Disney Execs “Not Collecting Blood” – Disney Press Release

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According to a recent press release from the Disney Corporation, their executive team “is not in the habit of collecting blood, human or otherwise.”

This comes after an incident in Orlando FL where a number of teens who attended a midnight screening on Disney property reported feeling groggy and anemic after the lights came up in the theater. On inspection, the attendees found that they were covered in dozens of tiny and inexplicably painless puncture wounds. A fact that many chose to share on social media.

At the time, Disney were quick to point out that in the 45 years that the Magic Kingdom has existed, no similar incident has ever occurred.

Whether Disney have any further knowledge on the incident is open for discussion. Some have pointed toward a series of leaked emails between high level Disney executives as proof of nefarious conduct. The correspondence makes furtive reference to a recent (and allegedly profane) event known only as Rituale Novis Mortem. Others suspect an unseasonal and extremely localized outbreak of bed bugs in the resort. Disney denied both accusations at a press event held earlier this morning.

Disney World, atypically closed
Disney World, shown here atypically closed on the days surrounding the 50 year anniversary of Walt Disney’s death.

“We are not trying to create a culture of blood harvesting,” stated a representative from the company, who made a point of shaking his head and doing over-exaggerated air quotes when mentioning loaded terms like “blood harvesting”, “exsanguinate” or “theme park hunting grounds”,

He went on to say that “there has never been an official edict within the company that would require any member of the Disney family to secure any amount of blood for any reason.”

He went on to clarify that any park employee that is found in possession of blood that is not his or her own will be summarily terminated.

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